The First Post

So since everyone else is doing it, I have decided to break down and just get a blog. I have tried to hold out, I always viewed them as some weird public journal...and I thought it was creepy. BUT at this point even a public creepy Journal is better than no record keeping at all...plus, since I live away from family now, I guess it will let them spy on me more effectively.

Justin and I have been married 1 year 1 month and 1 day. I think that's pretty neat.

A few weeks ago we moved into Justin's grandfather's basement. Not ideal circumstances, but I am so grateful for Grandpa's help while Justin is going to school. We have a goal to get all undergraduate work done without any debt, and living with Grandpa is one big step to accomplishing that goal.

Justin is going to the University of Utah studying electrical engineering, he already has his associates degree, but because of class timing and course sequencing he has a full four years ahead of him.

I have my associates degree from Utah State. Justin and I previously had planned on me dropping out of school this fall, getting pregnant sometime late August through early November and having a baby sometime next summer. We had both prayed about it, felt good about it, and so I didn't sign up for classes this fall.

The plan was great as far as I was concerned. As the summer neared a close, I was getting more and more excited. I have wanted to be a Mommy for as long as I can remember. Justin and I had agreed that we needed to wait one year before getting pregnant, so I had been looking forward to Fall 2011 all year. At Christmas time I thought things like, "oh oh oh maybe this time next year I'll tell people I am pregnant, that would be fun", at the 4th of July celebrations I was thinking "hmmm maybe this time next year I will have a newborn", and while moving into Grandpa's I was thinking "maybe we could put a crib here and store toys over there."

Serves me right for getting excited.

September fast Sunday. We decided to fast to make sure that we were doing the right thing. Justin has made a lot of school choice the last couple weeks, we were looking at starting a family,  and we were living in a new area. Seemed like a good time to seek some guidance from the Lord. We fasted and prayed. Usually when you fast a pray there is a lot of waiting involved in receiving an answer. Not this time. The answer was clear and undeniable. "Go to school."

I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. All the excitement and planning, but all of the sudden WHOMP Just Kidding!

I was severely disappointed. I wish I could say I humbly accepted the Lord's will and cheerfully went about my way, but that would be a lie. I was angry and frustrated. The semester had already started, it was too late for me to add classes, and here I am with the revelation "No Babies, Go to School." To make it worse, I am getting an utterly useless degree. What does a person do with a Biology degree? Bus tables, that's what. I have read the articles and seen the stats. There is very little work available for people with a bachelor's in Biology. Yet here I am. Why does the Lord ask me to do things that seem stupid?

After much crying and praying for some sort of an explanation, I was reminded of the story of Abraham and Isaac. Abraham had been promised posterity more numerous than the sands of the seashore, but his wife was old and barren. Eventually after many tears and years his wife miraculously bears Isaac. Before Isaac is fully grown the Lord commands Abraham to go sacrifice Isaac--the key to his promised blessings and happiness. Abraham obediently prepared to do as he is asked. Before he sacrificed Isaac, an angel appeared, stopped Abraham, and told him that there was a ram provided for him in the thicket. I have sat through countless lessons on this story. I know all the answers to the question they ask in Sunday school, but I still had much more to learn.

I remember once in 9th grade seminary a classmate asked, "Why would God command Abraham to kill his son, and then change his mind. Why didn't God just never do it and save Abraham the heart ache. The Lord (being omnipotent) already knew Abraham was an obedient man?"  and brother O'driscoll replied, "because Abraham needed to learn a few things about Abraham."
and when I asked of the Lord, "Why did I feel so good about having kids before, and now all of the sudden I am being told no. Couldn't you have just told me that earlier and saved me the heartache?" the answer came: "Because Niki needs to learn something about Niki."

Plus it can with a little reprimand, "Abraham was asked to give up his son, you where just asked to wait. Stop your whining."

I hope that maybe twenty years from now I will look back and it will all make perfect sense. I will be able to say, "Oh THAT is why I got my "useless" biology degree, and Oh boy wasn't it good that we waited a few more years before having kids."  But if that day doesn't come, at least I have learned some valuable lessons about revelation, humility, and obedience.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. " --Isaiah 55: 8-9